i've dabbed a little in the blogger layout again.. i'm a little more satisfied with the one i have now. no more of that pull down crap. i like the title.. the other eden. i'm sure i'll move things around more, but i need to make this short & go to bed.

it's been a while since i updated.. i was sick of my boss cramming the schedule & then leaving all the time, so i finally quit. i told my mom that i didn't have to put up with all her crap, she was stressing me out so bad that i was physically hurting all over. i was tired of giving myself that mental talk every morning about how i really needed to go to work that day & just get it over with. i did that every morning. but now that's all done & over with. i'm gonna try back at starbucks again (i want the job SO bad! mostly for benefits but whatever).. my mom's friend's son works at one of the stores as a manager, so i might have a foot in the door there. i'm going tomorrow to talk to him. i can't wait. i've wanted to work there for a LONG time now.. i mostly want the benefits, but the job would be easy to me because i've done the coffee shop thing before.

well, i'm going to bed.

Labels: new job hunt, quit, starbucks

so.. i told a little white lie to my boss today so i could get off a little early. the rents are out of town & i said my little bro was sick & i had to take him to the doctor. i told her i would come back when i was done. so, i call her to tell her i'm on my way back & she's like "you are?" i was kinda confused that she asked. she then said "was everything ok?" & i told her i took him to the solantic clinic since they fill prescriptions there.. so she asked if i had the receipt & i told her i left it at home. she wants me to bring it in in the morning.. so i'm loathing going to work. i have to make up yet another story & hope she believes it. it's amazing that this snowballed into something so big when it was no big deal to begin with. i'm gonna tell her that my brother's boss didn't believe him cause he skipped out on a couple days of work this week already & required him to come in with proof that he was at the doctors, or else he was gonna lose his job. so.. hypothetically speaking, it's technically his receipt, he's 18 years old, & he paid for it with cash himself.. it wasn't even my money used. & since there are privacy laws & what not she can't really ask me for anything else cause it would technically not be my business anymore. the receipt would be at his work.. & if she wants to rag on me about it anymore, i'm giving her my brother's cell number & she can take it up with him.

if it gets out of hand, i might just quit. she already hassles me about stupid shit, & there are double standards with dress code. the receptionist gets away with so much shit, i have almost said something a few times. it's just rediculous.. my boss is overly anal & i can't stand it. if she pushes me too hard tomorrow i'm just gonna tell her that i don't have to deal with it, it's not worth it to me, & i'll leave. i REALLY REALLY REALLY hate confrontation.. i'm getting myself almost sick over this crap, i stress myself out too much. i never stand up for myself, so if she pushes me hard enough to quit, then you know it had to be really bad.. i mean really bad.

so, i'm off to try to get to sleep. i doubt i'll get much. i hate being such a worrier & not being able to shut my mind off enough to get a good night sleep.

Labels: anal boss, big mess, in too deep, little white lie, over my head

my parents have been out of town for a week.. & while i'm working my ass off at my job, my little brother has skipped work 3 times (the week's not over yet) & has managed to use all the dishes in the kitchen, except for the breakables, & fill the entire sink up as well as the surrounding counters with dirty dishes. it just seems so unfair that he gets to be the slacker while i have to work for everything. i really wanted my parents to come home to a clean house, but i don't think i'm gonna clean up his mess this time. but then again it might end up being my dad or mom that cleans it up, i doubt he would actually clean it up in the end. it's so not fair. i'd rather do it than have them do it.. but i wish my brother would be the one doing it. they baby him so much, then wonder why he acts so unnapreciative & irresponsible all the time. i can't wait to have my own place again & not have to worry about him anymore.

Labels: brother, lazy, spoiled

it really amazes me that my parents could raise 2 completely opposite kids in the same household. i have always been the quiet, reserved, well-behaved child. i graduated, got a great paying job right out of high school, moved out, paid my own bills, went to a trade school to make something of myself, etc. my little brother has been the temper-tantrum thrower, troublemaker, & violent one. he dropped out of school, has switched jobs like underwear, & mooches off my parents. they pay for his gas, spending money, expensive truck payment ($500+), insurance ($200+),name brand clothes. he's stolen their gas card & ran up over $400 in like 2 days. he's stolen money from my mom's purse. so he owes them almost $900 right now. he doesn't appreciate anything.. my first car was a POS hand-me-down type that died on me eventually. his first car is an 05 chevy silverado with performance tires, XM radio, blah blah blah. he goes & drag races all the time, has run his truck into trees, he peels out all the time, & has worn his tires down to no tread. i have worn my tread down to a little worse than his are now.. & i did that in about a year. he has done it in about 3 months.. if that gives you a clue to how much he doesn't appreciate his nice ass truck. i told my parents my tires have no tread (i'm about to have a blowout) & they are to the point where they make noise because it's so bad.. i told them a few weeks ago. i didn't expect them to pay for it of course, i just haven't had the time to look for tires since i work full time. my brother is getting brand spanking new tires in the next couple days. he has a job, he has money he spends ever so freely (even tho he owes them money), but they're paying for it. they won't even pay for mine, cause i asked them if i could get them to pick some out & buy them for me & i'd pay them back when i got them. they acted like i was asking them for hundreds of dollars or something. i work so hard for everything i have gotten in my life.. & he hasn't worked a hard day in his life.. but he gets everything handed to him on a silver platter. he's never gonna make it in the real world.. he can't even keep a checking account because he overdraws.. then my parents end up paying that for him too. wtf?? i know life is supposed to be unfair but DAMN it would be nice to have half the shit he has. i just feel like my hard work is meaningless. it really starts to feel like that more & more each day.

it's been a few years, but i still really really miss my grandma. i have so many regrets as i look back.. i wish i would have done things a little differently. i don't like to think about death, i think i actually might fear it, so i try not to face it. i was in denial the whole time when she got sick.. i told myself she was gonna get better, that she was just depressed. so i didn't go see her numerous times because i did not want to see her like that. i didn't want to see her in that hospital bed in her room, it wasn't normal. it wasn't something i was used to. so i only saw her once that whole time & at the time it didn't bother me so much. but now it just eats away at me. i did get to tell her i loved her & she told me she loved me too.. & that was the last time i saw her alive. it just kills me that i couldn't be mature enough at that point to suck it up & go see her every chance i got. i was so selfish & caught up in the whole fear of death thing, that i let that get in the way of me seeing her. every time i think about her, that's what comes to mind. i try not to dwell on it, but it's kinda hard not to. i just miss her so damn much. when i was younger & my parents would go out of town, they would take me & my brother to her house. i didn't want to go cause she only got like 10 channels on the tv, & there wasn't much to do there. i hate myself for not wanting to go. i hate myself for not cherishing all the time i had with her cause i thought i would have much more time in the future to spend with her. i can't wait to get my tattoo in her memory, something beautiful that i can look at every day.. something to make me smile. but then again i'm sure when i look at it, this whole issue will pop in my head again. it's a neverending cycle & i don't know how to stop it. i just want to think about all the good things & all the good times i had with her. it's just crazy to me that there have been other deaths in my family & none of them have ever effected me as much as hers.. no ones. not my friends, not my other relatives, not even pets. i guess the saying is true.. you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Labels: death, grandmother, love, regret