it's been a few years, but i still really really miss my grandma. i have so many regrets as i look back.. i wish i would have done things a little differently. i don't like to think about death, i think i actually might fear it, so i try not to face it. i was in denial the whole time when she got sick.. i told myself she was gonna get better, that she was just depressed. so i didn't go see her numerous times because i did not want to see her like that. i didn't want to see her in that hospital bed in her room, it wasn't normal. it wasn't something i was used to. so i only saw her once that whole time & at the time it didn't bother me so much. but now it just eats away at me. i did get to tell her i loved her & she told me she loved me too.. & that was the last time i saw her alive. it just kills me that i couldn't be mature enough at that point to suck it up & go see her every chance i got. i was so selfish & caught up in the whole fear of death thing, that i let that get in the way of me seeing her. every time i think about her, that's what comes to mind. i try not to dwell on it, but it's kinda hard not to. i just miss her so damn much. when i was younger & my parents would go out of town, they would take me & my brother to her house. i didn't want to go cause she only got like 10 channels on the tv, & there wasn't much to do there. i hate myself for not wanting to go. i hate myself for not cherishing all the time i had with her cause i thought i would have much more time in the future to spend with her. i can't wait to get my tattoo in her memory, something beautiful that i can look at every day.. something to make me smile. but then again i'm sure when i look at it, this whole issue will pop in my head again. it's a neverending cycle & i don't know how to stop it. i just want to think about all the good things & all the good times i had with her. it's just crazy to me that there have been other deaths in my family & none of them have ever effected me as much as hers.. no ones. not my friends, not my other relatives, not even pets. i guess the saying is true.. you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Labels: death, grandmother, love, regret