I already had my labret pierced, but I was offered a free piercing so I got the right side of my lip done. I never wore the 2 together, obviously. I think it's really cute, but I'm just starting to get annoyed with it. I was gonna change the stud in it, but I think it was infected or something because it hurt to try to put another one in. I don't think I will put anything else in it, I will just let it heal. Good bye cute lip piercing.. I loved you, but I must go back to my trusty labret. You will be missed!

Labels: labret, lip, piercing

Ah, how I find myself here again on another random morning, unable to sleep. That will change soon, however, because I have just taken a shot of Nyquil. I must stop relying on that, as I have taken it the last 4-5 nites. On my own behalf, I am getting over the worst sinus infection I have ever had. Granted it could have been over a LOT sooner had my dad actually listened to my cries of misery & let me go to the doctor. But in the mean time, I took every medicine imaginable in this house to no avail. I was sick for 2 weeks before my dad finally let me go to the doctor. Gotta love it.

Being sick has left me with the dish divver as my companion, along with one of the most uncomfortable couches you will ever sit on.. but it's better than trying to sit against the wall in my bed. I took this precious time to catch up on a plethora of chic flicks which only leave me in more of a blah mood. My favorite out of all the ones I've watched this last week or so is The Holiday. Oh, how I find Jude Law irresistible in this movie.. it must have something to do with his character, Graham, because I do not on a normal day find him sexy. Maybe it's due to the fact that he cheated with his nanny lol. I suppose I'm so drawn to this movie because I secretly wish I could just get away from it all for 2 weeks in a foreign place (& keep the accent while we're at it!). Then maybe my own Graham would appear! HAH! Like a guy like that really exists. I hate movies that make you wish you had a guy that was so.. for lack of a better word, perfect. A guy that would just sweep you off your feet, saying the right things at the right times, being attentive, romantic, passionate, etc etc.. get your head out of the clouds because that will NEVER happen! But a girl can wish & hope.. right? Ah, who am I kidding?

I curse those childish dreams I had of this "perfect" guy coming along, sweeping me off my feet, suprising me with an idealistic proposal.. & we would live happily ever after. Maybe I just have high expectations & the blame is on no one else but me for that. But now thanks to the numerous setbacks I have had, the timeline I had so perfectly planned for my life is way off track. Where did I go wrong?

The Nyquil is kicking in.. it's harder to think of how to get my jumbled & random thoughts from my head to make sense in this entry.

Labels: chic flic, goals, life, perfect guy, sick, the holiday, unrealistic dreams

i've done the worst thing in the world. i've lied.. & lied again.. & lied again to cover it up. i looked him in the eyes & told him it wasn't true. how could i? i know i made a mistake, but i didn't want him to know about it. if he knew, he prolly would not have talked to me for a looooong time. just to prove karma is a bitch, after almost a year it came up & bit me in the ass. i deserve it, but now i'm stuck between a rock & a hard place. i'm really a bad person deep down, no one would believe it, but i think it's true. i deserve every shitty piece of life i get.

Labels: betray, liar, love, trust

Have you ever wondered what would have become of your life if you would have made a couple different decisions? My trip back to Texas a couple weeks ago really made me think about it. I sometimes wonder what would be if I had moved back there with my family.. all the fun I've been missing out on the last 5 years or so. Being able to watch my cousin's kids grow up.. they really don't even know who I am & it hurts me so much. And yes, maybe how it would be with a certain someone that I had to leave behind. I know things would have been SO much different if I had moved there (which is what I had planned to do when I graduated). Sometimes I wish I would have. My life would probably be where I wish it were right now.. a stay at home mom with a man that really knows how to take care of a woman.. a true southern gentleman (how rare is that?). It almost hurts to go back, to reminisce.. not that I'd ever leave the guy who loves me now. He doesn't deserve that.. which is why I feel even worse than I probably should. I guess I'm just stuck on the what if's.. & the fact that I miss my family so much. I still get a little misty eyed just thinking about having to leave them every time I go out there. I think I belong there, as much as I want to stay here with my friends.. the only place I've ever stayed so long (12 years). I love being familiar with my surroundings, but is that worth not being with my family? I'm just so torn. I just wish time would reveal the choice I need to make.. family or friends. Once my immediate family has moved, I don't have many ties here anyhow. I have what I would call a true friend.. I truely consider her family (so do my parents). I still think about all the times we promised eachother we would grow up together, live side by side, & have our kids grow up together. I don't want to miss out on that. My heart is torn in 2.. & I have no idea what I want to do.

Labels: family, reminisce, torn, true love

I read a post over at Mama Loves Baby and decided to do this little game. Here's how you play.

• Link to the person that tagged you & post the rules on your blog.
• Share 7 random and/or wierd facts about yourself.
• Tag 7 random people at the end of the post & include links to their blogs.
• Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
  

1. I love the smell of gasoline, & hate the smell of cut grass.

2. I'm addicted to buying purses, shoes, jewelry, & accessories.. no matter how broke I am, I will scrounge up the money.

3. I hate the sound of people eating.. I don't want to hear people chewing their food, or smacking. It seriously makes me nauseated.

4. I like my food separated on my plate.. I hate when they touch, unless I purposely want to mix a couple of them. Yeah, I'm a freak, maybe a little OCD too lol.

5. If I could.. I would go back to after I graduated high school & make a few different decisions that would totally turn my world the opposite way from what it is now.

6. I love sweets & desserts.. a lot. I purposely save room so I can get dessert or candy. If I eat something salty or fried, I must immediately have something sweet afterwards, or I get antsy.

7. I love sleep.. more than I love just about everything. I would sleep all day if I could.

Ok I don't know 7 people on blogger.. I only know 1 & she's already done this.

Labels: boredom, random facts, tag

I almost forgot I had this.. & it's funny how I only remember when I need to vent. Maybe I should change the title to "Bitches, Moans, & Rants" lol.

I don't even know where to begin.. there's just too much shit going on in my life right now. I'm reminded every day why I moved out when I turned 18. My dad & I are constantly butting heads because we go about things so differently, but his way must always be the right way. I guess I just go against the grain, but that's who I am. They raised me, they should know how I am. My brother is the biggest piece of shit you will ever meet. None of my friends like him, a few of them actually don't even want him around. He is a mooch, he will con you into doing things for him & promise you the world, then he will stiff you. It's getting so bad, today I vowed not to talk to him ever again. My mom got mad at us because of all the drama that was going on between us, & she told us we have to get along or else. I told her just because he is my family doesn't mean I have to like him or talk to him. I could do it, but we work together & I have to give him instructions.

What happened today made me almost lose it. I'm not even gonna explain it because I'd be here half the nite.. but I got so crazy I had to call J to calm me down.. we were on the phone for about an hour.

I'm so sick of the criticism in this family. I'm constantly being compared to my piece of shit brother, when I'm not even close to being like him. Ask anyone that knows our family, they'll tell you he's been the spoiled little baby of the family, while I was brought up so strict. Pff, I couldn't even say butt when I was little, but my brother has called my parents ass holes, bitches, told them to fuck off.. he's basically used every cuss word to them. I'm sick of trying to please my parents. Everything I do is never good enough, I should have done it a step or 2 above what I did.. always. Even if it's my best. And I'm sick of the criticism from my brother. He's constantly on my ass.. he calls me flubber & grabs or pokes at my fat & makes it jiggle. Yeah, I know I'm not the skinniest person in the world, but part of it isn't something I can control. I took a shot a couple years that made me pack on 35 pounds. I've told him this & told him I'm really self conscious about it, but he doesn't care.. he continues to make fun of me. He constantly tells me I'm a bitch & that I need prozac. He doesn't understand why I get an attitude with him when he does shit to provoke me or piss me off.. then turns around & tells me I need to stop being such a bitch all the time & I need to get put on prozac. He only says that because his friend's sister was a super bitch, to all of her family members, & was doing crack.. then she got put on it & she's been better. I don't do crack, & I'm not a bitch to all my family, just him.. so all of a sudden I need prozac. Whatever.

:Deep breath:

Have you ever been sitting in the bathtub, swirling your feet around under the faucet while it fills.. you space out & the next thing you know the tub is full, & your feet are bright red cause you didn't adjust the water after you cranked the hot? I did that the other nite.. & I sat back as the water trickled out of the overflow spout, waiting until it stopped . Then I layed back & put my head under the water, waiting for it to be still. I love that sound.. it's so peaceful. I could lay there for hours if the water didn't get so cold. I've often wondered how long it would be before someone came to check on me.. if I were to somehow drown myself or maybe do something crazy & try to die there (not that I would). But just to satisfy my curiosity I layed there for what I would assume to be close to 1 hour & 45 minutes (remember, my feet were bright red lol).. no one came.

Well, I think I will take another bath.. but this time no spacing out or suprise by the redness of my feet (lol). I just want to listen to the silence with my head under the water.. I wish I could have that peace all the time.

Labels: bath, depressed, dumbass brother, losing it, prozac, stress

my parents have their house for sale.. as soon as it's sold i have to have a place of my own. i have a good job now, so i'm finally gonna catch up on bills & be able to afford rent.. but not alone. i've told J repeatedly about the urgency of getting a place. when my parents are gone, i have nowhere to go.. period. he has his mom's house. what part of NOW does he not understand? he's been out of a job now for about 1 1/2 months.. trying to collect an unemployment check as well. he used to rag on me & be super critical if i wasn't out looking for a job at 9 am & if i wasn't out for 8 hours. oh how he would preach if he knew i wasn't out looking 100% of the time. not like it mattered to him, we don't live together at the moment. so now the tables are turned, but i don't preach to him about him sleeping till noon every day, putting his resume online, & only calling 2-4 places a day. i'm really starting to question if he even does that.. he doesn't give me names of places he supposedly has interviews at, he just says "this one place.." or something of the sort. i don't ask, wtf ever, i'm not his mom. but i'm getting sick of being stressed about not having a place to live when the house is sold. i'm almost to the point of freaking out.. seriously. i'm starting to wonder if he even cares anymore. he sure as hell acts like he doesn't, otherwise he'd be trying to get a job hardcore, right? speaking of not caring.. we left the sportsbar (we go every wed) seperatly cause i had to drive straight there from work. he said he was having maybe 1 more beer & then he was leaving. he told me he'd be online to talk to me before i went to bed. well, here it is 1:15am & he's still not on yet. no call, nothing. he's prolly hanging out with friends or something, but shit, if you're gonna tell me you're gonna do something & i'm waiting for you, then fucking do it! am i freaking out? or is this really a sign of future things to come? i've been told by my parents that i deserve better.. that at the rate we're going in this relationship that he'll never put a ring on my finger, & that i should move on. i've had friends tell me the same thing. i know relationships aren't always gonna be cake, but i just feel like i'm being let down all the time. i feel like he doesn't care anymore. & he's so stingy with money.. we have to keep a tab all the time. it's really getting on my nerves.. even other people think it's crazy how he has this tab thing. i sorta wonder if i'm over reacting.. i need a little feedback. all i know is i'm sick of being depressed all the time & wondering how my future is gonna end up.. i had goals for myself & none have been met yet.

Labels: careless, depressed, stupid boys