The One & Only Rachyl
I don't even know where to begin.. there's just too much shit going on in my life right now. I'm reminded every day why I moved out when I turned 18. My dad & I are constantly butting heads because we go about things so differently, but his way must always be the right way. I guess I just go against the grain, but that's who I am. They raised me, they should know how I am. My brother is the biggest piece of shit you will ever meet. None of my friends like him, a few of them actually don't even want him around. He is a mooch, he will con you into doing things for him & promise you the world, then he will stiff you. It's getting so bad, today I vowed not to talk to him ever again. My mom got mad at us because of all the drama that was going on between us, & she told us we have to get along or else. I told her just because he is my family doesn't mean I have to like him or talk to him. I could do it, but we work together & I have to give him instructions.
What happened today made me almost lose it. I'm not even gonna explain it because I'd be here half the nite.. but I got so crazy I had to call J to calm me down.. we were on the phone for about an hour.
I'm so sick of the criticism in this family. I'm constantly being compared to my piece of shit brother, when I'm not even close to being like him. Ask anyone that knows our family, they'll tell you he's been the spoiled little baby of the family, while I was brought up so strict. Pff, I couldn't even say butt when I was little, but my brother has called my parents ass holes, bitches, told them to fuck off.. he's basically used every cuss word to them. I'm sick of trying to please my parents. Everything I do is never good enough, I should have done it a step or 2 above what I did.. always. Even if it's my best. And I'm sick of the criticism from my brother. He's constantly on my ass.. he calls me flubber & grabs or pokes at my fat & makes it jiggle. Yeah, I know I'm not the skinniest person in the world, but part of it isn't something I can control. I took a shot a couple years that made me pack on 35 pounds. I've told him this & told him I'm really self conscious about it, but he doesn't care.. he continues to make fun of me. He constantly tells me I'm a bitch & that I need prozac. He doesn't understand why I get an attitude with him when he does shit to provoke me or piss me off.. then turns around & tells me I need to stop being such a bitch all the time & I need to get put on prozac. He only says that because his friend's sister was a super bitch, to all of her family members, & was doing crack.. then she got put on it & she's been better. I don't do crack, & I'm not a bitch to all my family, just him.. so all of a sudden I need prozac. Whatever.
:Deep breath:
Have you ever been sitting in the bathtub, swirling your feet around under the faucet while it fills.. you space out & the next thing you know the tub is full, & your feet are bright red cause you didn't adjust the water after you cranked the hot? I did that the other nite.. & I sat back as the water trickled out of the overflow spout, waiting until it stopped . Then I layed back & put my head under the water, waiting for it to be still. I love that sound.. it's so peaceful. I could lay there for hours if the water didn't get so cold. I've often wondered how long it would be before someone came to check on me.. if I were to somehow drown myself or maybe do something crazy & try to die there (not that I would). But just to satisfy my curiosity I layed there for what I would assume to be close to 1 hour & 45 minutes (remember, my feet were bright red lol).. no one came.
Well, I think I will take another bath.. but this time no spacing out or suprise by the redness of my feet (lol). I just want to listen to the silence with my head under the water.. I wish I could have that peace all the time.
Labels: bath, depressed, dumbass brother, losing it, prozac, stress