I almost forgot I had this.. & it's funny how I only remember when I need to vent. Maybe I should change the title to "Bitches, Moans, & Rants" lol.

I don't even know where to begin.. there's just too much shit going on in my life right now. I'm reminded every day why I moved out when I turned 18. My dad & I are constantly butting heads because we go about things so differently, but his way must always be the right way. I guess I just go against the grain, but that's who I am. They raised me, they should know how I am. My brother is the biggest piece of shit you will ever meet. None of my friends like him, a few of them actually don't even want him around. He is a mooch, he will con you into doing things for him & promise you the world, then he will stiff you. It's getting so bad, today I vowed not to talk to him ever again. My mom got mad at us because of all the drama that was going on between us, & she told us we have to get along or else. I told her just because he is my family doesn't mean I have to like him or talk to him. I could do it, but we work together & I have to give him instructions.

What happened today made me almost lose it. I'm not even gonna explain it because I'd be here half the nite.. but I got so crazy I had to call J to calm me down.. we were on the phone for about an hour.

I'm so sick of the criticism in this family. I'm constantly being compared to my piece of shit brother, when I'm not even close to being like him. Ask anyone that knows our family, they'll tell you he's been the spoiled little baby of the family, while I was brought up so strict. Pff, I couldn't even say butt when I was little, but my brother has called my parents ass holes, bitches, told them to fuck off.. he's basically used every cuss word to them. I'm sick of trying to please my parents. Everything I do is never good enough, I should have done it a step or 2 above what I did.. always. Even if it's my best. And I'm sick of the criticism from my brother. He's constantly on my ass.. he calls me flubber & grabs or pokes at my fat & makes it jiggle. Yeah, I know I'm not the skinniest person in the world, but part of it isn't something I can control. I took a shot a couple years that made me pack on 35 pounds. I've told him this & told him I'm really self conscious about it, but he doesn't care.. he continues to make fun of me. He constantly tells me I'm a bitch & that I need prozac. He doesn't understand why I get an attitude with him when he does shit to provoke me or piss me off.. then turns around & tells me I need to stop being such a bitch all the time & I need to get put on prozac. He only says that because his friend's sister was a super bitch, to all of her family members, & was doing crack.. then she got put on it & she's been better. I don't do crack, & I'm not a bitch to all my family, just him.. so all of a sudden I need prozac. Whatever.

:Deep breath:

Have you ever been sitting in the bathtub, swirling your feet around under the faucet while it fills.. you space out & the next thing you know the tub is full, & your feet are bright red cause you didn't adjust the water after you cranked the hot? I did that the other nite.. & I sat back as the water trickled out of the overflow spout, waiting until it stopped . Then I layed back & put my head under the water, waiting for it to be still. I love that sound.. it's so peaceful. I could lay there for hours if the water didn't get so cold. I've often wondered how long it would be before someone came to check on me.. if I were to somehow drown myself or maybe do something crazy & try to die there (not that I would). But just to satisfy my curiosity I layed there for what I would assume to be close to 1 hour & 45 minutes (remember, my feet were bright red lol).. no one came.

Well, I think I will take another bath.. but this time no spacing out or suprise by the redness of my feet (lol). I just want to listen to the silence with my head under the water.. I wish I could have that peace all the time.

Labels: bath, depressed, dumbass brother, losing it, prozac, stress

my parents have their house for sale.. as soon as it's sold i have to have a place of my own. i have a good job now, so i'm finally gonna catch up on bills & be able to afford rent.. but not alone. i've told J repeatedly about the urgency of getting a place. when my parents are gone, i have nowhere to go.. period. he has his mom's house. what part of NOW does he not understand? he's been out of a job now for about 1 1/2 months.. trying to collect an unemployment check as well. he used to rag on me & be super critical if i wasn't out looking for a job at 9 am & if i wasn't out for 8 hours. oh how he would preach if he knew i wasn't out looking 100% of the time. not like it mattered to him, we don't live together at the moment. so now the tables are turned, but i don't preach to him about him sleeping till noon every day, putting his resume online, & only calling 2-4 places a day. i'm really starting to question if he even does that.. he doesn't give me names of places he supposedly has interviews at, he just says "this one place.." or something of the sort. i don't ask, wtf ever, i'm not his mom. but i'm getting sick of being stressed about not having a place to live when the house is sold. i'm almost to the point of freaking out.. seriously. i'm starting to wonder if he even cares anymore. he sure as hell acts like he doesn't, otherwise he'd be trying to get a job hardcore, right? speaking of not caring.. we left the sportsbar (we go every wed) seperatly cause i had to drive straight there from work. he said he was having maybe 1 more beer & then he was leaving. he told me he'd be online to talk to me before i went to bed. well, here it is 1:15am & he's still not on yet. no call, nothing. he's prolly hanging out with friends or something, but shit, if you're gonna tell me you're gonna do something & i'm waiting for you, then fucking do it! am i freaking out? or is this really a sign of future things to come? i've been told by my parents that i deserve better.. that at the rate we're going in this relationship that he'll never put a ring on my finger, & that i should move on. i've had friends tell me the same thing. i know relationships aren't always gonna be cake, but i just feel like i'm being let down all the time. i feel like he doesn't care anymore. & he's so stingy with money.. we have to keep a tab all the time. it's really getting on my nerves.. even other people think it's crazy how he has this tab thing. i sorta wonder if i'm over reacting.. i need a little feedback. all i know is i'm sick of being depressed all the time & wondering how my future is gonna end up.. i had goals for myself & none have been met yet.

Labels: careless, depressed, stupid boys

i think not being a mom is really starting to take a toll on me. i know, this might sound like i'm just too obsessed with the fact of it, but i can't even read a story about a friend & her baby without tearing up & wishing i could be going thru the same thing.. whether it's bad or not. i just want to go thru it. i want to be a mom. that's all i want out of life. if my family wasn't so religious then i would prolly already have one by now, or at least be expecting. i'm afraid of what they will say.. but people tell me all the time that me not being married will be overlooked because bringing a life into the world is so much more important & exciting. it's not like josh & i would be splitting up any time soon.. we have been thru a lot & we are still together (5 years in october). we even talk about names & hypothetical situations all the time. i just wish it could happen to me now.. i'm so impatient, but can you blame me? if that's all you wanted out of life, wouldn't you think about it often too? & it kills me knowing that the 1 goal that i have for my life keeps getting pushed back. i'm starting to be ok financially now, & i know josh is too. he's been talking about getting a place together, but the only thing stopping us is the fact that he has a hernia (sp?) that he might need to get checked out, & if that happens then that means no place for us for a while. so i think with that in the back of our heads, we don't save money. we pay our bills & we blow the rest during the weekends. we are partiers, but that's cause we know we can at the moment. i know that would be a lot different with a little one on the way. god i just wish it could be so much sooner. it makes me depressed. i have people ask me all the time if i have kids.. at least 3 times a day. then they see me with my boss's son & they're like "oh you're so good with kids." or "he likes you a lot, no one makes him laugh like that".. i mean it's just neverending. then that gets me thinking about my own kids &.. i duhno.. it's just really starting to depress me. i hate this. i dream about being pregnant just about every nite. i have almost started cursing my "aunt flo" because part of me just wishes it would happen. i know the timing is off, & i'm such a responsible person so i know i wouldn't just "accidentally" get pregnant.. but damnit.. it's all i ever think about anymore. ok, i'm done rambling, i need to get some sleep for tomorrow.

Labels: baby, depressed, expecting, hopefull, motherhood, wishing