i think not being a mom is really starting to take a toll on me. i know, this might sound like i'm just too obsessed with the fact of it, but i can't even read a story about a friend & her baby without tearing up & wishing i could be going thru the same thing.. whether it's bad or not. i just want to go thru it. i want to be a mom. that's all i want out of life. if my family wasn't so religious then i would prolly already have one by now, or at least be expecting. i'm afraid of what they will say.. but people tell me all the time that me not being married will be overlooked because bringing a life into the world is so much more important & exciting. it's not like josh & i would be splitting up any time soon.. we have been thru a lot & we are still together (5 years in october). we even talk about names & hypothetical situations all the time. i just wish it could happen to me now.. i'm so impatient, but can you blame me? if that's all you wanted out of life, wouldn't you think about it often too? & it kills me knowing that the 1 goal that i have for my life keeps getting pushed back. i'm starting to be ok financially now, & i know josh is too. he's been talking about getting a place together, but the only thing stopping us is the fact that he has a hernia (sp?) that he might need to get checked out, & if that happens then that means no place for us for a while. so i think with that in the back of our heads, we don't save money. we pay our bills & we blow the rest during the weekends. we are partiers, but that's cause we know we can at the moment. i know that would be a lot different with a little one on the way. god i just wish it could be so much sooner. it makes me depressed. i have people ask me all the time if i have kids.. at least 3 times a day. then they see me with my boss's son & they're like "oh you're so good with kids." or "he likes you a lot, no one makes him laugh like that".. i mean it's just neverending. then that gets me thinking about my own kids &.. i duhno.. it's just really starting to depress me. i hate this. i dream about being pregnant just about every nite. i have almost started cursing my "aunt flo" because part of me just wishes it would happen. i know the timing is off, & i'm such a responsible person so i know i wouldn't just "accidentally" get pregnant.. but damnit.. it's all i ever think about anymore. ok, i'm done rambling, i need to get some sleep for tomorrow.

Labels: baby, depressed, expecting, hopefull, motherhood, wishing