Have you ever wondered what would have become of your life if you would have made a couple different decisions? My trip back to Texas a couple weeks ago really made me think about it. I sometimes wonder what would be if I had moved back there with my family.. all the fun I've been missing out on the last 5 years or so. Being able to watch my cousin's kids grow up.. they really don't even know who I am & it hurts me so much. And yes, maybe how it would be with a certain someone that I had to leave behind. I know things would have been SO much different if I had moved there (which is what I had planned to do when I graduated). Sometimes I wish I would have. My life would probably be where I wish it were right now.. a stay at home mom with a man that really knows how to take care of a woman.. a true southern gentleman (how rare is that?). It almost hurts to go back, to reminisce.. not that I'd ever leave the guy who loves me now. He doesn't deserve that.. which is why I feel even worse than I probably should. I guess I'm just stuck on the what if's.. & the fact that I miss my family so much. I still get a little misty eyed just thinking about having to leave them every time I go out there. I think I belong there, as much as I want to stay here with my friends.. the only place I've ever stayed so long (12 years). I love being familiar with my surroundings, but is that worth not being with my family? I'm just so torn. I just wish time would reveal the choice I need to make.. family or friends. Once my immediate family has moved, I don't have many ties here anyhow. I have what I would call a true friend.. I truely consider her family (so do my parents). I still think about all the times we promised eachother we would grow up together, live side by side, & have our kids grow up together. I don't want to miss out on that. My heart is torn in 2.. & I have no idea what I want to do.

Labels: family, reminisce, torn, true love

i really can't wait to get my own place again.. i'm sick of people always having to come in my room, like it's the living room or something. i get home in the early evening, & josh is with me.. we're both a little out of it because we were up till about 9am rolling. but anyways, we head to my room & my little brother follows. he ends up staying until dinner. dinner ended up starting a war in my home. i cooke once a week & i had my mind set on some spaghetti. i needed meat & garlic bread, so i ask my little brother to go get some (since he's conveniently sitting on my bedroom floor). i'd give him the money, that wasn't a big deal. he's a lazy prick, he doesn't do anything for anyone unless he gets something out of it. so he told me he wasn't gonna go & i told him if he didn't go then i wasn't cooking. i told him i didn't feel good & that i wasn't getting dressed & combing my hair to go to the store. it's only a block away, it's not like it's across town or something, & it was only 2 things. so i just sit keep watching tv, & then my dad comes in & says "it's not andy's place to go to the store, so get with it, your mother said you need to go get the stuff yourself" so i told him that i didn't feel good & why couldn't andy contribute to the family once in a while & do something that wasn't selfish.. he walked away. so again, i just sat there watching tv.. for a good period of time lol. then my mom comes barging in (without knocking) & starts yelling at me about it. i told her, just like i told everyone else, that i didn't feel good & that andy should contribute somewhere. that pissed her off & she starts going off about how he never gets the right stuff at the store. (well if you didn't baby him, then maybe he would know wtf to do.. like his laundry, or dishes, or managing his own checking account. he will never be ready for the real world if you keep it up. no wonder he's a nuisance, he doesn't appreciate all the nice things he has in his life, he steals money from you constantly, he owes you over $400 but yet he keeps buying stuff for his truck, which YOU are paying for. he'll never make it in the real world.. ahem, i could make a whole entry just about this) so anyway.. where was i.. oh, so my mom gets super pissed & slams my door. it took all my strength to not throw something across the room or punch something or scream.. i really almost lost it. i know that i wasn't in the best of moods, so that made me a little irritable, but whatever. i thought it was a just request for andy to go to the store. so i lay there for a while, i'm not even hungry anymore, i really wasn't all that hungry to begin with, & i wasn't feeling good, but yet i was still about to cook dinner for everyone else. i wasn't even going to do anything, but josh was asking me what were we gonna do cause he was hungry.. then he offered to go into the store & get the stuff. so we start heading to the car & my parents are about to head out & my dad asked me where i was going, i told him the store, & then my mom starts bitching about how they're going out to eat now cause they couldn't wait on me anymore. & my dad asks her if she wants to stay since i'm cooking & she's all "not with her attitude blah blah i baby my spoiled ass bratty 18 year old son blah blah blah" & i started raising my voice telling her that andy should contribute every now & again, it's not like he was busy or anything, & here i am i can barely stand straight cause my gastritis is acting up again. she's all "we already discussed your brother" so whatever, i go to the store anyways & they stay at the house. we all eat supper like civilized people & go about the rest of the nite.

oh, back to the part where everyone has to come in my room when i'm home.. josh & i were just about to.. ya know.. & my mom knocks on the door cause she needs to get on the computer. it's like they plan it, once we're in our birthday suites, someone comes knocking on my door. i wonder if they all have super elephant ear powers & can hear flys unzipping, or something.. i don't know. it's just frustrating that i sit with my door open when i don't care if they come in or not, but the second i close it, they need in. living at home is great, but it sucks the big one every now & again.

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Labels: dumbass brother, elephant ears, family, laziness, rant